All Natural Organic SPAM, without the Special Sauce (Pat Drank it all)

Who can resist. Fried up just so with a sprinkling of Giggle’s special Authorization sauce!  How can I go wrong?   Jive Squeal is not your ordinary bait and switch, no sirs and madams. This is a special recipe, like Grandmama without her teefs.   Feels fine and helps choke down so much SPAM this early in the am. Mmm good if you can handle the guilt.  Not your own grandmom perv, the lonely one from JC’s “Yes Man”.

Could be me, but it does seem to be missing something. Is it the Gaggle Authorization sauce? It couldn’t be just that, as tasty as their secret recipe is. Nope, I’m afraid it’s my local ad salad missing from the plate. Now that’s a bit too much SPAM without my local ad fiber. Stolen and worse than that, backed up like a gerbil in a fly’s ass.  That much bulk just isn’t coming out and the KY isn’t free.

I had never thought of this type of job before.  A novel idea to be sure.  The goal isn’t money here, something far more confusing and pathetic.   Retribution on unsuccessful cold calls featuring a  bait and switch featuring Adwords and the local maps.  I can see the satisfaction though regardless that it pay’s nothing.  “We got this sucker good” someone named something like, oh….perhaps Bobby might have mumbled as he was choking on ….on, say, another fellow named, let’s say Patt.  Of course the names are fictitious but the point remains the same;  screw everyone with SEO and when they wisen up and recover from the less than zero income, hit em again but with some special sauce for credibility this time, the Gaggle Authorized habanero XXX hot.

Ahh the wonderful power of the Internet, ruthless, greedy and the caution the small businessman must take from being squarely plugged where the  sun don’t shine, again.  Remember, any similarity to actual persons or entities is purely nonsensical sleep deprived babblings, or my next dream job.

The name?  Just a colorful combination, cutesy/messy for the kids, a touch of rainbow power for the all important PC  and a particular reminder of my inspirational made up friends Patt and Robby.  I think I deserve an SEO company too.   I’ve paid enough for the knowledge;  glue a lb of SPAM on your clients ad and voila, an SEO miracle takes place.  Long term prognosis for this type of hit n run Blackhat SEO?  Loss of revenue, severe depression,  hungry kiddies and bruised dogs (just kidding, would never).

Qualifications?  Simplicity at it’s lowest and  weakest.  Outright lying, I’ll have to work on that one, not a strong point but worth every red cent if I too want to be an SEO POS.  Pangs of guilt.  Grow up kid, you’re a big boy. deal with it.  Leaders send children to their death routinely for a few dollars.  Are you any better than them Mother Theresa?   The immediate switch to gobbledeygook and incessant nonsensical babbling aimed at confusing your victim….erh, client,  who caught you redhanded  in one or more of your myriad of lies.  Easy fix,  nothing a little workout killing small animals and kicking defenseless old people when noone’s looking (careful here, cameras are everywhere nowadays).   Obsession.  Never let someone off the hook.  If they have the nerve to answer your coldcall, they owe you as much money as you decide until you’re A.) satiated or B.) they’re broke, literally or just a much more obvious blithering idiot than when you first unleashed your sickness, I mean skill on them.  Sure, I’ll be a total and unequivocal piece of human garbage at this point but I’ll be making money and everyone will owe me.

I can then graduate, with a little more skill, to mastering blogs, copying someone else’s content, and selling these POS cartoon blog-sites as state of the art, user friendly, SEO supercharged business dream-sites.  Collect $1,000 in advance, get some Glamour shots and start raking in the dough.  If you’re lucky, you’ll show up as a twittlee dee and other POS twittle dums will make posters of your pitiful quotes.

Can’t make money on the Net?  Must not be much of a POS if you ask me loser.  Suck it up sirs, ladies (please, and don’t forget to swallow), get to work on my essentials above and you too will be a rich, ruthless and morally bankrupt POS before you know it!    Have a wonderful weekend, keep an eye out for marks and tear them a new asshole, charging double for the vaseline of course. 

From the nicotine fiends and friends at RYORevolution.com, the Net’s most authoratative users of what some “Real”  pipe smokers  refer to as their “Blessed Leaf” (bless their little souls) comes the list to blow away all lists that refer to which of the “Blessed Leaves” smoke best in our Single-Use-Paper-Pipe. 

Presenting for your illogical taxation amusement:

Loose tobacco taxation:

Based on the “future-cigarette” theory. A Future Cigarette is a cigarette that’s not-yet-made but it’s tax is already paid.

If the Future Cigarette is ever made, it will be made by a manufacturer who worked for nothing and received no benefit.

Future Cigarettes necessarily weigh an exact and predetermined amount or the tax (which is already paid) will be incorrect and illegal.

Future Cigarettes are 50% tax but aren’t half as dangerous.

HR 2454/2998 is an alleged “Green Energy” bill, so titled to mask the reality of it’s consequences and illicit casual support;  “if it’s “Green” it has to be good”, who wouldn’t want to support Green energy “for the Earth”?”.  Much like the misleading and tiresome “for the children” campaigns (unless they’re unborn of course).  The bill is supposed to promote alternate energy sources while reducing pollutants and increase the costs of existing energy supplies, such as coal and gas.  One major benefit of HR 2454/2998; the reduction of the earths temperature by .2 degrees (yes, 2/10’s of one degree), by the year 2099…..difficult to hold a straight face when announcing this lofty goal, I would think.

Some of the realities will be an increase at the pump of 77 cents for gas and 88 cents for diesel, permanent increases not related to the price of oil.  Our energy bills will double and triple and the price of consumables will increase in relation as always.  This is only the tip of the negative consequences, experts agree that the end result will cost the average American from $1,600.00 to $4,100.00 per year.  The GDP will “necessarily” be reduced (reduction of domestically produced goods).  Job loss will be one of the worst effects of HR 2454/2998, estimated in the millions to add to our flailing economy.  With a 10% jobless rate (some experts predict it’s over 20%), the economies functioning will be impaired even further with yet more unemployed.

HR 2454/2998 is not in our best interests, it is not an effective environmental solution and will tax an already overtaxed and hurting economy with absolutely no short term benefit, and no real long term benefit.  Aside from the points brought up in the “public show” on CSPAN, and the alleged “brave fight” the republicans put up with (yet with no filibuster!), what else is hidden in the 1,500 page bill?  According to experts, multiple new laws assaulting our rights will be enacted such as unannounced “green home inspections”, diverse penalties for homeowners and businesses alike who won’t or cannot conform to ever increasing “green regulations”.  We are made of carbon, we are carbon life forms and this bill’s goal is to tax carbon!  Regardless of whether one believes the ludicracy of Global Warming or not, HR 2454/2998 will do nothing to decrease it, it simply can’t.

HR 2454/2998 is likely going to be the largest tax in American history. This bill is an assault to our intelligence, pocketbooks and our freedoms.  Why is the large portion of this bill secret?  Why are the Reps themselves not privy to the whole document and blindly voting?   There are real issues that require honest and thoughtful attention, we cannot afford to waste our resources tilting at windmills.  I understand that Mar’s polar caps are receding as well, why not fund another govt supported special interest group to come up with a plan to fix that, at our expense of course. The fish are bitin, might as well reel us all in!

From April 1 and onwards, I haven’t purchased RYO tobacco and instead have spent my money on pipe tobaccos.  I won’t spend an additional $25lb for the same thing I was just paying just $20lb a day before.  The tobacco hasn’t changed.  Can’t afford proper health insurance for my own family I think I won’t subsidize anyone else’s thanks.

If not for taking up the pipe on top of my RYO habit,  I would have wasted quite a bit of money finding pipe tobacco suitable for rolling/stuffing.  Therefore, unless you only choose to smoke other’s suggestions, I would highly recommend  buying at least one (cheap) corncob pipe.   If you’re experimenting with pipe blends on your own, you’re most likely gonna end up with some blends that just aren’t suitable for DIY cigarettes.  I’d like to share some blends that I’ve found to work well for MYO and some that work for RYO.

I won’t add too many of the RYO blends that are now being cut for pipe for us new pipe smokers, other than to give a big kudos to D&R and company for their discretionary steps in keeping their popular blends affordable for the little peoples.  I’ll briefly mention a few of the “smoking tobaccos” that have been available for generations, Prince Albert and Carter Hall for example.  Very few of these are very suitable for my tastes and several others here due to the excessive sugars and humectants used, however they do work and people enjoy them.

To start with the most suitable there’s the Shag cuts.  Traditional cuts for both RYO and pipe use, have not had to change whatsoever.  Our tyrannical admin wasn’t successful at pricing these out of the market.  Some great Shag pipe cut were available to cigarette smokers this whole time but few of us experimented nor felt the need to.  Many traditional pipe blends make for excellent dual use smoking. Remember, Shags take no extra processing and for those inclined theses are the ones to roll.

Shags

1. Five Brothers by Pinkerton.  This blend is based on a centuries old Burley blend, resplendent with birdseyes and nicotine.  Although not a Halfzware in the least, that’s the closest style that comes to mind.  Not for the faint of heart.

2. Dark Birdseye by Gawith Hoggarth. Exceptionally full, dark fired Kentucky tobacco in a Shag cut.  Another powerful blend that will appeal to Halfzware fans.

3. Kendall Dark by Gawith Hoggarth.   Similar to a Halfzware but with a unique flavor of it’s own.  Half dark fired Kentucky and half Virginias in an easy to stuff Shag cut.

4. Ryback by D&R (Daughters and Ryan).   A traditional Halfzware without the extra humectants and toppings typical of this style, making for an extra smooth and satisfying smoke.

5. Three Sails by D&R.  Ultra bright yellow Flue Cured for Virginia enthusiasts.  Reminiscent of the old and much revered Three Castles of the same blender.

6. Picayune by D&R.   Many Shag smokers like em strong but this one takes the cake.  Labeled wisely “for extreme smoking enthusiasts” this is no ad come-on.  Five Brother’s fans who crave a little extra might give this Pic a try.  Based on the old New Orleans cigarette of the same name.  Get your affairs in order and wear clean drawers.  This could be the accident your mom had in mind with this advice.

Ribbons and Cubes

1. Longcut aka 701 VLC by Stokebbye.  Straight Virginia Blender which is a “longcut” but appears to be a well rubbed out “ready rub”, regardless, it works well.  This is a surprisingly tasty Virginia that I would smoke regardless, financially coerced or otherwise…good stuff.
2. Longcut/Blending Virginia by Sutliffe.  Another straight Va that’s mostly used for blending by pipesmokers, like the above.   Not quite as tasty as VLC-701 but not a bad smoke in it’s own right.
3. East Carolina Blending Ribbon by H&H (Home & Hearth).  Good straight East Carolina Virginia, not a Flue Cured if I’m not mistaken which might explain it’s relatively bland flavor.  Decent smoke in a pinch but not a favorite of mine, light smokers might appreciate this one more than me.
4. E.B. (Easy Burning) by Faders.  For Burlophiles, a straight Burley with great flavor and a touch of Perique.  While this Cube-Cut contains Cavendish (which I usually avoid) it’s in such a small amount it’s almost unnoticeable.  One of my favorite Burleys to date and stuffs nicely.
5. Blended Turkish Ribbon Blender by McClellens.  For the Turkish fans, this is no Ramback.  Thick with sticks;  needs a little cleaning for the best smoking experience.
6. 2015 by McClellen.   One of the few Flake cuts I’d recommend because it needs a bit of work “rubbing it out”…a lot of work for some, but it’s just that good.  One of the tobaccos for my tastes.
7. Three Friars by C&D (Cornell & Diehl).  A Burley/Virginia mix with Perique.  This is another one that takes a little work but the flavor is well worth the effort.  An interesting take on a VaPer and made by C&D, I think that say’s it.
8. Haunted Bookshop by C&D.   A Burleyphiles choice. Burley/Perique that’s Ribbon cut,  easy to stuff and tastes grrrreat.
9. Danish Export by Stokebbyes.  Similar to the original RYO blend of the same name but cut for the pipe.  Something’s lost in this one but it’s PS.
10. Norwegian by Stokebbyes.  Something’s missing here too.  Still PS.
11. Louisianna Red by H&H.   These are definitely not in order of quality or taste and a taste of this Ribbon cut VaPer will prove that.  Sweet, spicy, smooth, all that.  Going out on a limb here, H&H is primo stuff.
12. Rolando’s Own by H&H.  Another great VaPer by H&H and even better than the previous for my tastes.  Spicier and sweeter, this one is fuller and adapts well for our purposes.
13. Prince Albert.  Century old Burley blend that was originally intended as a “dual use” tobacco.  My mom said, if I can’t say anything good…..but a lot of people just love this stuff.
14. Carter Hall.   Well,  better than the Prince and dries faster too.  To give credit where it’s due, this is a good tasting, simple blend.

This is by no means exhaustive,  pipe tobaccos that are suited for Rolling Your Own smokes. A start.  I’ve tried all of these, they smoke and some roll fine. As I continue to experiment, I might update the list.  Suggestions welcomed.

Caveat, some of these are not as easy to stuff as what many RYO/MYOers are accustomed to. I hate to add that some folks just might become a bit frustrated with some of these. I assure you, these work or can be reasonably made to. I will add that the flavor of many are superior to what many RYO enthusiasts are accustomed to.

Update 04/26/10

From the nicotine fiends and friends at RYORevolution.com, the Net’s most authoratative users of what some (not all by any means) “Real”  pipe smokers refer to as their “Blessed Leaf” (bless their little souls) comes the list to blow away all lists that refer to which of the “Blessed Leaves” smoke best in our single use paper pipes.

Reprinted with permission and one of the contributors, this is the most up to date list of both traditional pipe blends that happen to smoke well in a SUPP © (single use paper pipe) and the newest offerings from the ex-RYO manufacturers.  Those who are doing their best to 1.) feed their kids, 2.) keep their loyal customers satiated,  3.) avoid straying outside the draconian laws  bent on prejudicing the RYO smokers (us evil ones), and lastly 4.) stay afloat rather than be forced to abandon their lifelong and in some cases, family generations of  entrepreneurial spirit.

The only tobacco users to endure the greatest single tax in US history from what some refer to as the greatest president this country has ever seen.   Enough of the plight of the poor RYO enthusiasts, poor  meaning the lowest income per capita smokers,   purely coincidentally the easiest targets.  Leaving the inspired decisions of the great politicians of our time for a better mind, this list should find those in need an affordable and smokable product to chew on.  A product  made from tobacco,  not “predominately tobacco” nor “predominately tobacco by-products” but the actual “Blessed leaf” itself.  Go on, allow yourself to hear the angels sing in your head when you read that part (I do).  I can almost hear them, can you?  It’s beautiful.

This 32 Billion dollar one being pushed through by an overpowering Democratic House for the sake of their “Global Warming” programming. It’s almost unbelievable but it looks like we’ll be assaulted by these treacherous bills continuously over the next 4 years. Who are they kidding, 2/10’s of one percent, millions of lost jobs, 77 and 88 cent gas and diesel increases and an average cost per capita of $2,000? Didn’t they say no new taxes on the middle class? The smirking democratic Reps are just icing on this cake, not to mention the 8 republicans that voted for this BS!  The American people are the punchline.

Republicans who supported this bill: Bono Mack, Castle, Kirk, Lance, LoBiando, McHugh, Reichert and Smith (NJ).

Considering how poorly tobacco users are treated in this day and age, it was only prudent to take such a draconian stance on tobacco during the election to avoid an unpopular association with the reviled smoker.   Much better to play the victim and abuse a hated minority rather than be identified as one of them.

Hindsight’s 20/20 and the unfair abuse of a large minority could backfire, but I doubt it will.  It appears the majority of nicotine users are so brainwashed by MSM’s lie’s and junk science that they’re actually ashamed of their habits, and like good sheep, of themselves too.  Accepting this abuse with a turned cheek while thanking Big Brother for real time punishment of their weak indulgences.   Fortunately for the majority, the rest of our hypocritical, pill popping, alcoholic and obscenely bloated citezens aren’t held to the same expensive standards.

Similar product is available elsewhere, for example the highly recommended DeweyAve Smokeshop. Note the product in question at DeweyAveSmokeshop sells for a reasonable $9.75lb (Rochester RYO is an excellent product no less).   How these guys plans on explaining this to their loyal customers should prove interesting. The customers who just the past few months kept them afloat through the unjust challenge of  S-CHIP’s immoral consumer rip-off, happen to have received the “all you ever wanted to know about the prejudices of tobacco taxation” crash course!  Caveat Emptor!

(Hey guys, we’re supposed to be on the same side here!)